You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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