You surviving the open bar?
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I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize