dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
