You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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