She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
