I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
