you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
