never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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