Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize