"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
