My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
