I'm pants shitting drunk right now
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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