We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
