Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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