remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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