if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
