I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
