i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
