your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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