Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
