You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
