Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
