Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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