Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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