If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize