im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
