he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
