What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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