I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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