I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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