Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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