The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You've changed since you got that strap on
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize