I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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