guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
