Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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