My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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