Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
