One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
