hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
