Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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