You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
