I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
