You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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