I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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