Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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