Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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