those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
