You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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