I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
