Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
