nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize