my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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