i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize