i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
