I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
