He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
