It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
