Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
