Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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