WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
