Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
