dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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