I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize