I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
