see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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