so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
