cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
